Dearest Elena
by mattdlover
Summary: This is Caitlyn's life through a series of letters to her sister Elena. Find out how she copes when embarking on a life without Elena.


**Disclaimer; I only own Caitlyn, everyone else belongs to LJ Smith and the CW.**

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 _Dearest Elena,_

 _It's been 2 days, 3 hours and 54 minutes since we said our last goodbye and I'm still finding it hard to believe that I'll never see you, or hear you, or hug you again. Its at this point in time that I resent being a human, for if I were anything else, I may have seen you again._

 _It's been ever so quiet without you here. It seems ever since our lives were invaded by the supernatural our lives have been filled with constant noise. The hum of anticipation as we await our next foe; the battlecries as we rushed into war; and finally the cheers and screams of victory. But now all I hear is the broken beats of my shattered heart._

 _In all my days on this twisted and backwards earth I have never despised anything so intensely as I despise Kai. Not even when Damon killed Jeremy or when Klaus killed Jenna, or turned Tyler-eventually they redeemed themselves. Kai did not._

 _I know that you wanna hear that we're learning to live without you and that we're all fine; but I cant do that Elena. All my life you have been my only constant-the only person who I can laugh and cry with. The only one who never judged me-even after all the mistakes I've made- although I still maintain that loving Kol was not a mistake._

 _I think out of all of us Damon deserves to miss you the most-but we all have our moments; even Tyler. Poor Alaric is grieving both you and Jo- so it may take him a little longer than the rest of us to move on._

 _Elijah came around yesterday; it was so nice to see him- I've always had a soft spot for him. I can tell he still feels guilty about Kol- but its all in the past now._

 _Now, onto why the hell I'm writing to you. I know you cant read this now, but someday you'll be awake again-and you will be able to. So this is life, without you, through my eyes-although when you read it, it'll feel like we shared every moment together. You'll not be forgotten Elena, you live in my memories and my heart- and my children will hear of you as will my grandkids. And in a thousand years, everyone will know of Elena Gilbert and her fight against evil. And hey, maybe they'll hear of me too. I'll see you again Elena._

 _Your everloving and ever human sister_

 _Caitlyn Gilbert._

 _P.S Jeremy says hi._

I put the pen down as I finished my first letter to her, my face still wet from the tears I had shed. 2 days ago I lost my sister, when Kai decided to go all Disney on us and pull some Sleeping Beauty crap. Losing her bought back all the pain from when my parents died, and when Jeremy was temporarily killed. But I got through those times, because I had her. Now who do I have? My best friend who is a drunk vampire, and 90% of his personality is snark. God help us all.

I look up from where I'm sitting and see Damon just staring into the fire. I guess I shouldn't be too harsh on him, he lost her too. I guess all we can do is mourn her together. I get up and go over to him and hold out my empty glass.

'Mind if I join?' I said to him.

He says nothing as he looks up and fills my empty glass. I take a seat beside him and slowly drink my drink. I notice the fire of pain inside me dulls slightly with the alcohol. Maybe this is my new coping method.

I think about life without Elena and the though of that makes me want to either shut myself in my room and cry, or crawl into the coffin with her. Although that's slightly creepy. I think back on my life and all the people I've lost; mom, dad, Jenna, Uncle John, Jeremy-multiple times, and he did come back, then there was Kol, all I can think is 'why me?' If this is God's plan then he sucks, and must really hate me.

I realize that me and Damon are going to be sitting here in silence so I just lean my head against his shoulder. I feel him move as he puts an arm around me.

'Are we gonna be okay?' I ask him, though I have a feeling I already know the answer.

'That depends' he answers in a low voice.

'On what?' Not the answer I was expecting.

'Whether we let ourselves be okay' He said looking down at me.

'And if we don't?' I frown at the thought.

'Then no, little one, we're not gonna be okay' He answers

'What if we do let ourselves' I keep prodding

'Then ask me again in a year' he answers.

I settle back down with my head on him, and gives me a kiss on the forehead. I guess Damon's right; I'm never gonna heal unless I want to. Now I've gotta figure out; do I want to?

But for tonight; I'm content to just sit here with Damon and wallow. After all I've been through, and all I've lost, I've always managed to stay strong; for everyone else. Well, tonight I'm gonna be selfish. No-body needs me tonight, so I'll allow myself this one night, and tomorrow I'll decide; do I want to let myself heal, or do I wanna stay in this pit of pain forever?

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 **What do you guys think? I would love some feedback.**


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